I can still feel the particles of Curve for men attacking my scent receptors in my nose. In order to get to the internet cafe closest to the Chateau I have to walk by this college hang out called "jimmy's." College kids get on my fucking nerves. The idea that they are here on someone else's coin drinking like dirty sailors racks my fucking nerves. Always will.

I am lonely. I have been since I read Giovanni's Room. I would suggest it to anyone because it is one of the best books I've ever read. However, as I have realized, if you are the least bit alone or lonely, you don't want to read it. It has exposed to myself my own lonliness. Awareness is great, it is my motto and way of life, but this sucks. Lestat is at the Chateau holding Strauss right now. It isn't about Lestat or even about Lestat and Strauss...but I can't watch two people play kissy-face right now. It's been too rough a day and too rough a week.

What does it mean that the only person I'm letting affect me on an emotional level right now is a guy with lives over twenty-five hundred miles away and who has a limited future? I mean.... he who I'll refer to as Dreamer... has affected me in a way I predicted but would prefer wasn't true. Then again... perhaps it is what's best.

I miss Nashville. I know it isn't the best place for me right now. Eventually I will make my way back for a visit and I will appreciate it more than I ever have. It makes me happy to know that I can miss a place that has caused me such pain.

I have grown so much. Nashville reminds me of my growth... for that I will forever treasure that place. I feel such a connection to Nashville. In terms of youth, I think we are at the same place in development... both growing, learning, in pain, and in joy of discovery. We will survive, brother Nashville.

Don't tell me to stop.